Good Ol' Frank Feldman

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.  He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank "

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time."  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time"

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake."

Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man!  He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman "

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank "

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his f---ing widow."




COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our
government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago,
to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they
tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11
million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should
give them all a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution
for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really
smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments in a courthouse...You can't post "Thou Shall Not Steal,"
"Thou Shallot Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a
building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile
work environment.

Murphy's Lesser Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time.... on a hill....on a the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

My Daddy the Dancer

My Daddy the Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for 
a living.
All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, 
salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the 
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes 
in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the 
offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all 
night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this 
statement, hurriedly set the other 
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask 
him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "he works for the Democratic National Committee and is 
helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too 
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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